Working Assertive, Not combative

I have a personal interest in this matter. In the beginning of my career, I had been doing work for a large retail business in their corporate central office. During one of my yearly assessments, it was brought to my attention that others thought of my behavior as "hostile". WOW. That was an eye-opener. I believed I was being confident, not competitive. If I needed my career to continue to build, I knew I would have to create some improvements. But where to start?



I grew to become an examiner of other coworkers. I watched how they socialized, how they responded to complications and how they interacted with higher level operatives. I discovered the difference in belligerent versus affirmative behavior was a two-fold. Both verbal and physical terminology was involved. By paying attention to these two factors, it was clear to me who would succeed in their careers and who would not.



I first started to change my words, approach and delivery of my information. I made modifications in my body language and I learned to pay attention to what the other person was talking about. It was incredible what happened when I began to have an understanding of where the other person was coming from through my own constructive behavior.



But I ought to say my change from belligerent to self-assured was steady. It was a lot of trial and error and a fair amount of stress. By discussing what I acquired, I trust it will make the transformation faster and easier for others.



Let’s begin with the spoken word. "Words are the most powerful drug used by mankind." -Rudyard Kipling, 1865-1936, English Writer. This is a amazing quote because the terms you use are powerful. They can have a positive or a negative impact on the man or woman with whom you happen to be conversing with. Watch the words you speak. You can select less insulting words and still make your point. For example: Being belligerent, you might say "I can’t believe you missed another dead line. You’re putting the entire project at risk." An confident response could be "John, I see you missed your due date again. I know you understand the importance of completing the project on time. Is there any way the team can help you meet these dates?"



Along with the word, is the delivery of your message. It comes from the tone of voice that you apply. Is your tone favorable, annoyed, condescending, cynical, nice, understanding, thrilled, empathic, or pleased? The tone builds up the words you use. Think of the most recent conversation you had that was uneasy for you. What words and tone did the other person use and how did you behave?



You can be furious or frustrated and still use favorable words and tone to get your point across. The delivery will be more impactful and more productive if it doesn't put the other people in a defensive way that closes them off to what you are saying. Many others will like working with you because you can get your message across and be strong in your convictions without targeting or putting down the other person. That's being assertive.



Body language is the second part of menacing versus confident behavior. Your words could say one thing, but people think about what your body is communicating. What is aggressive body language? It’s in your facial expressions: crunched forehead, tight mouth, squinty eyes; your arms – folded, exaggerated movements, clenched fists or pointing a finger; your posture – stiff, leaning forward and in their face, or turned away as if you're unresponsive. Be relaxed within yourself so that your body language remains natural and rational.



If you've now made the decision that you will need to focus on your aggressiveness, always remember it takes 21 days to start a new behavior. You will need to practice the new behavior for 21 days for it to begin to take hold and 100 days for it to become automatic. Then your new words, tone, and body language will be natural to you.



Are the changes of great benefit? Take it from me, they are. Today’s work environment is extremely challenging both within a company as well as those searching for employment. Finding out and comprehending what self-assured conduct is can really help you develop relationships and your career. Be assertive and be a step ahead of your competition!



Marla Harr is the founder of Business Etiquette International, and regularly offers international business protocol classes. You can follow Marla on Twitter @etiquetteusa or find out more about her classes by visiting www.actwelldowell.com.